Children want empathy alongside parental limits, and what you’re responding to along with your stepdaughter is that this steadiness appears out of whack. By your account, your stepdaughter doesn’t permit for her daughter’s discomfort, which she must expertise to develop resilience and a way of competence on the earth. Perhaps that is due to the way in which that your stepdaughter was parented, and she or he’s both making an attempt to emulate or transfer away from that.
Generally, too, single mother and father worry being the “unhealthy man” when they’re navigating divorce or compensating for the ache from a divorce by “defending” the kid with further tenderness. Or perhaps your stepdaughter feels that adopting her personal parenting model is among the few methods she will be able to preserve a way of management whereas coping with an uncooperative ex.
In households which have extra adults in the home, children profit from seeing other ways of dealing with conditions, and whilst you don’t stay along with your granddaughter, you’re a type of adults in her life. You may undertake an aquarium strategy, permitting her to specific her feelings with out your contempt (she’s not a “brat,” she’s scuffling with emotional regulation) whereas additionally setting clear expectations and providing transient explanations in your selections. (You may’t eat the cookies now as a result of we’re about to have dinner, however you possibly can have them after.) In case your granddaughter pouts in response, you don’t have to react — you can redirect her by inviting her to play a recreation with you as a substitute, and nonetheless be heat however nonreactive if she rejects this and continues pouting.
The extra comfy your granddaughter feels being with you, the extra time you would possibly get together with her with out her mom current. (As a single mother, your stepdaughter would possibly benefit from the downtime!) You could be shocked by how a toddler can adapt to completely different expectations in several environments when these expectations are delivered with heat and consistency.
It’s also possible to work on strengthening your relationship along with your stepdaughter by not citing your variations. When she feels seen and valued by you, she could even turn out to be within the type of parenting you’re modeling as a substitute of what she doubtless perceives now as intrusive criticism. However even when she doesn’t alter her tendency to over clarify, her daughter’s witnessing of a pleasant and noncombative relationship between you two will doubtless make this lady extra inclined to belief you and be extra receptive to your strategy. And whenever you really feel that surge of frustration from watching your stepdaughter guardian, pause to ask your self what beliefs or experiences is likely to be informing your response. This self-awareness can assist you have interaction extra constructively with each your stepdaughter and granddaughter.
In the long run, you possibly can’t management how your stepdaughter raises her daughter, however you possibly can management the way you present up within the household dynamic. You would possibly want to regulate your expectations and acknowledge that your affect can be biggest when you can place your self as an ally, fairly than as a critic.
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